Did I really just....

Well, it's done. Submitted. The paperwork tells me I should hear back within two business days of submission - that means Tuesday. Maybe I won't answer my phone....or check my e-mail.

Why is it that we have so much guts when it comes to the submission - but not in wanting to hear the outcome?

Ever since Dr. Hoover at USD strongly and repetitively encouraged me to pursue a PhD, the thought has been in my head. When he would talk to me about it, I laughed it off and was far from interested. But as the kind words he spoke would periodically enter into my mind, the thought became more reasonable. I received my Masters degree young and I have a lot of life left to live. That is a lot of time to fill and I want to be able to further myself and my education to the best of my ability.

I will be the first one to admit that research was not the apple of my eye through my bachelors and masters programs - but it is very interesting to me...especially when you get to pick the topic of your research. Now that I have a year of experience at the VA under my belt, I have discovered there are many situations and concerns that do not have much research about them. Why can't I do that? I could. I could research issues and topics that will pertain directly and apply it immediately to my work. This process would only help me, my veterans and other providers serving clients with similar needs.

So, with that. I have applied (the preliminary application) to an online PhD program through a school in Chicago. It is quite spendy and I'm not sure if that is a toll I'd like to carry at this time, but now is the time to take it on. I don't have family or children at home to distract me or take up more of my time or money - which may be a hold back in the future. I don't want to get years down the road and look back and think - I wish I would have....


I didn't let any one or anything hold me back from my Masters degree for fear of future wishing...and I don't want that to happen for this. So in a few days, I'll get a response on my preliminary application. With that I may have more decisions to be made. Playing the teeter-totter game of the most important is never easy.

Writer's Block

So I'd love to blog - but I don't feel that life has been that eventful lately. At least blog-worthy eventful. So, if anyone has any requests for topics - let me know. Otherwise, it may be a while. Peace love and happiness to you all =)

Trying to patiently wait for the warm weather to return to partake in fires, fun and friends.

It always seems to know...

It's weird how your mind can be so far ahead of the game that you really don't know. Your mind is one thing, but what about your body. How is it that your body seems to know you better than your mind?

It always seems to me that your body gives you exactly what you need - even if it has to force it upon you. Recently I have been running around always busy, stressing about plenty, and probably putting too much on my plate, having each night of my week filled up before the week starts.

Last night, I was hoping to meet up with some friends for St. Patricks Day, but sadly not before 10:30 as one of them had class. (For those of you that don't know, that's super late for me to be beginning my evening activities). As the evening approached I grew much more tired that I thought I was. I went to bed at 9:00, thinking I could get up when they called me. Instead, I woke up, not by a phone call, but by the rolling of my stomach with a run to the bathroom. Even though nothing was in my stomach after the first time, this continued on for the rest of the night.

And it sure did continue into the morning - which consequently urged me to call sick into work. Throughout the day, I have sipped on sprite, munched on saltines and finally cautiously nibbled on toast at about 2.

In between my busy day of trying to accommodate my stomach to eat yet avoide sprints to the bathroom, my mind was at peace by taking naps. Now, I don't usually take naps. I can't. I've tried many times in the past with no success. A few of my friends would be very proud of me for taking naps in fact. What I have found is that you can't force your body to do something that it doesn't need - however, it will force you to stop and give it what it needs, when you neglect it.

My hope is that I will continue to feel better and grow confidence in my stomach when I eat and be able to go to work tomorrow. The last few days I have been very tired and exhausted from waking up to going to bed. Maybe my day of rest and naps will fix that. If not, I do believe its a sign that I need to give my worries and stress over to God. I need to slow down and let things come to me without planning it all out.

Mistakes

In the past few months I've become aware of many things. And one in particular has really got me thinking. We all make choices in our life. Some good, some bad. Choices are what we do. Each day we face hundreds of choices that need to be made - and they are. They can be as little as, "do I shower this morning or tonight," "sweater or button up," "wake up and go to work, or hit snooze and call in sick." Haha, there are plenty of times I've contemplated the last of those but never have carried it out. My bed is just too comfy. However, I make the choice to get up and go to work.

The more I become aware of people's choices that have been made in the past, it really makes me think about what those choices mean. It's weird how you can meet someone and find out about a "mistake" they have made earlier in life and you already have a stigma formed about them based on that decision that was made. However, what if you don't know about that "mistake?" What if you get to know them and who they are - then down the road find out. Does it change your opinion.

Why is it that mistakes, or bad choices, seem to form who a person is (or the perception of who a person is) more than the good choices that are made? If choices are made every day, why are the bad ones taken more seriously than the good ones.

I've made lots of choices in my life - lots of choices that actually impact my life. Some were great, some were good, and some definitely weren't the best option to take. However, it's what I do with the outcome of those choices that I want to make me who I am and how I am perceived. Do I learn from it and grow from it? I'd like to think so. I think that says a lot more about a person rather than the one choice that was made that some may not agree with.

Sometimes when you learn about a "secret" that someone has been keeping from you, think of it in these terms. If you would have known that upon meeting - how would you have perceived that person. Usually, I'm thankful for getting to know the real them first. That way I get to know them, see how they've come up from their choices - good and bad.

Purpose

Well, today I began thinking about writing. This whole blogging thing, some journaling and in particular my poems. I really enjoy it. Some of them people never see. Why do I do it? What's the point?

Writing is an extension of my mouth to some extent. I don't know why, but a lot of the time it's easier to write a poem that can best describe it all, when I can't find the words to say. Rarely is there one emotion involved in any given instance. It's a mess of everything. How can you truly say how you feel with a sentence or too? Oddly, put in a few rhyming words, it all seems to make sense.

When I write, it's a conversation. Between me, the pen, the paper and the world. It's for everyone to read, know and better understand. By writing, it helps me better understand myself and make sense of it all. Even if no one ever sees the poem, it feels like they know. The air has been cleared. No confusion to be made. At least that's the feeling I get.

True emotions are written. No hiding. No faking. Truth.

For Sarah - and OCD lovers =)

Due to http://withmuchloveandmanyhugs.blogspot.com/2009/03/why-is-this-blog-worthy.html latest post with OCD and colors, I felt that I had to post this....

Here is my most recent obsession. It's a puzzle. Ironically it's one that I've already constructed and is hanging in a frame on my wall. I like it and want to have it at work. However, I think it looks pretty good above my couch. So I bought another one, and I'm doing it again. It's a 1000 piece Mosaic puzzle. Each piece has 4 little pictures on it.

Here is the completed version on my wall:

And here's how I am working on my new one - the same way I made and pieced it together previously...nicely sorted by colors in rows. Once one color was completed, then lined up the next color to construct...it is actually super helpful and makes it move pretty quickly (only been working on it here and there since last Monday):