Nothing else seems to fully ignite the spark of loneliness like the death of a loved one. Yes, there are scattered moments throughout one's week, month or year where loneliness may present; you know, those times where "it'd just be nice" to have someone to share an experience or to just BE with. Those moments to me, thankfully, are typically rare and fleeting. but then life happens. Every moment we live we are one moment closer to death. that may sound morbid, but it's true and we all know it. And as depressing as it may be, I've accepted that with an open mind, heart and outstretched arms ----- for myself. I am ready for the day my time in this world is up; where I can re-unite with my Savior, Redeemer and Father. I am excited for the moment to come, when I will spend eternity with Jesus Christ and I can forever show Him my appreciation for being my sacrifice.
So why is it that I'm so torn and so NOT excited for my loved ones. When really challenged, the faithful spirit inside of me is - but even then it's battling with my physical being that is sorrow stricken with loss, grief, doubt and abandonment. I can be in a room with one person, or with multitudes of people and feel completely alone. While I care and love the people I'm with - especially the brothers and sisters in Christ that I have been blessed with, my heart aches. These people will never KNOW me how THEY knew me. They can never LOVE me how THEY loved me. Every person in our lives knows, loves, supports, understands and accepts us in THEIR unique way and because of that I'm left haunted with a depth of loneliness that aches to my core.
I am so very lucky to have experienced the love, embrace, friendship and pride of people gone before me. I am eternally grateful for that. What hurts is THAT love, embrace, friendship and pride will never be experienced again. It's a memory that no one can replace.
I can take a sigh of relief knowing that these loved ones will no longer experience pain, sadness, cold, or sickness. I hope and pray that I really will be united with them again in Heaven. I want them to see the love I still have for them and the passion that burns in my soul. I want to make them proud of the person I am, and am yet to become. I yearn for the knowledge and validation that I am who they prayed I would become as a young woman.
Relationships are a tough thing. Always, no matter the way, they always end prematurely. We're never ready for it and we're always left with a void that is irreplaceable.
I know that God is with me and because of that I'm never alone. That does give me peace - - but it doesn't mean that I don't long for one more talk, hug, or "I love you" from a loved one passed on.
I am so grateful for the time I had with my maternal grandparents, my paternal grandfather, my uncle and many dear friends. I look back and appreciate the individual closeness I was able to share with each. I just wish I could accept, understand and move on from the giant hole that each one leaves. I do rejoice for the ones who had accepted the Lord. Yet, I also worry and pray for those whom I'm uncertain of. Only God knows. He also knows the pain I'm feeling. We aren't promised days without pain, hurt or tears. We are promised a salvation from that. So, I'm not mad at God. I just wait for the day that these earthly holes can be filled. We aren't meant to be alone. Losing someone can scare us from getting close to others. It does for me. But I find joy that even with holes in my heart and ongoing love for others - there is always room for more of both. I am able to fully recognize the eternal blessing I've been given of family, friends and mentors with those I've had, those I still have and those that are yet to come.
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