It always seems to know...

It's weird how your mind can be so far ahead of the game that you really don't know. Your mind is one thing, but what about your body. How is it that your body seems to know you better than your mind?

It always seems to me that your body gives you exactly what you need - even if it has to force it upon you. Recently I have been running around always busy, stressing about plenty, and probably putting too much on my plate, having each night of my week filled up before the week starts.

Last night, I was hoping to meet up with some friends for St. Patricks Day, but sadly not before 10:30 as one of them had class. (For those of you that don't know, that's super late for me to be beginning my evening activities). As the evening approached I grew much more tired that I thought I was. I went to bed at 9:00, thinking I could get up when they called me. Instead, I woke up, not by a phone call, but by the rolling of my stomach with a run to the bathroom. Even though nothing was in my stomach after the first time, this continued on for the rest of the night.

And it sure did continue into the morning - which consequently urged me to call sick into work. Throughout the day, I have sipped on sprite, munched on saltines and finally cautiously nibbled on toast at about 2.

In between my busy day of trying to accommodate my stomach to eat yet avoide sprints to the bathroom, my mind was at peace by taking naps. Now, I don't usually take naps. I can't. I've tried many times in the past with no success. A few of my friends would be very proud of me for taking naps in fact. What I have found is that you can't force your body to do something that it doesn't need - however, it will force you to stop and give it what it needs, when you neglect it.

My hope is that I will continue to feel better and grow confidence in my stomach when I eat and be able to go to work tomorrow. The last few days I have been very tired and exhausted from waking up to going to bed. Maybe my day of rest and naps will fix that. If not, I do believe its a sign that I need to give my worries and stress over to God. I need to slow down and let things come to me without planning it all out.

Mistakes

In the past few months I've become aware of many things. And one in particular has really got me thinking. We all make choices in our life. Some good, some bad. Choices are what we do. Each day we face hundreds of choices that need to be made - and they are. They can be as little as, "do I shower this morning or tonight," "sweater or button up," "wake up and go to work, or hit snooze and call in sick." Haha, there are plenty of times I've contemplated the last of those but never have carried it out. My bed is just too comfy. However, I make the choice to get up and go to work.

The more I become aware of people's choices that have been made in the past, it really makes me think about what those choices mean. It's weird how you can meet someone and find out about a "mistake" they have made earlier in life and you already have a stigma formed about them based on that decision that was made. However, what if you don't know about that "mistake?" What if you get to know them and who they are - then down the road find out. Does it change your opinion.

Why is it that mistakes, or bad choices, seem to form who a person is (or the perception of who a person is) more than the good choices that are made? If choices are made every day, why are the bad ones taken more seriously than the good ones.

I've made lots of choices in my life - lots of choices that actually impact my life. Some were great, some were good, and some definitely weren't the best option to take. However, it's what I do with the outcome of those choices that I want to make me who I am and how I am perceived. Do I learn from it and grow from it? I'd like to think so. I think that says a lot more about a person rather than the one choice that was made that some may not agree with.

Sometimes when you learn about a "secret" that someone has been keeping from you, think of it in these terms. If you would have known that upon meeting - how would you have perceived that person. Usually, I'm thankful for getting to know the real them first. That way I get to know them, see how they've come up from their choices - good and bad.

Purpose

Well, today I began thinking about writing. This whole blogging thing, some journaling and in particular my poems. I really enjoy it. Some of them people never see. Why do I do it? What's the point?

Writing is an extension of my mouth to some extent. I don't know why, but a lot of the time it's easier to write a poem that can best describe it all, when I can't find the words to say. Rarely is there one emotion involved in any given instance. It's a mess of everything. How can you truly say how you feel with a sentence or too? Oddly, put in a few rhyming words, it all seems to make sense.

When I write, it's a conversation. Between me, the pen, the paper and the world. It's for everyone to read, know and better understand. By writing, it helps me better understand myself and make sense of it all. Even if no one ever sees the poem, it feels like they know. The air has been cleared. No confusion to be made. At least that's the feeling I get.

True emotions are written. No hiding. No faking. Truth.

For Sarah - and OCD lovers =)

Due to http://withmuchloveandmanyhugs.blogspot.com/2009/03/why-is-this-blog-worthy.html latest post with OCD and colors, I felt that I had to post this....

Here is my most recent obsession. It's a puzzle. Ironically it's one that I've already constructed and is hanging in a frame on my wall. I like it and want to have it at work. However, I think it looks pretty good above my couch. So I bought another one, and I'm doing it again. It's a 1000 piece Mosaic puzzle. Each piece has 4 little pictures on it.

Here is the completed version on my wall:

And here's how I am working on my new one - the same way I made and pieced it together previously...nicely sorted by colors in rows. Once one color was completed, then lined up the next color to construct...it is actually super helpful and makes it move pretty quickly (only been working on it here and there since last Monday):

Something About It

Friday was a wonderful day. Why you might ask? If you were to ask, I'd tell you this:

Fridays are usually my clinic day at work, but for some reason we didn't have any veteran's scheduled. Because of this it was a huge catch up and documenting day. I even got to be a little proactive - which is VERY uncommon for me, at least at work. There is usually too many emergencies walking through my door for me to be able to look ahead. Anyway, I had decided that I was going to take full advantage of my no clinic Friday - and leave early. When there is clinic, we don't really know when it will get over so it's hard to leave early - at least planned.

But this Friday I could. I put in for a couple hours of comp. time and it was approved. Next task, to make sure NOTHING comes up to get in the way of me leaving early - which is a regular occurrence. 1:30: my phone rings...I have a half hour to go, I have to answer, but please be a simple question. It was, whew. 1:45: phone rings again...just a fellow co-worker just scaring me knowing I want to leave early and checking to see if I'd answer...how kind.... Now I just pray it doesn't ring again. If it does when I'm in my office, it would bother me all weekend of not knowing how urgent the call was. 2:00: no more calls and I'M OUTTA HERE!

I already had planned to work out today, and now I could get to the gym before everyone else takes up the treadmills. Especially on cold days like this, I change at work so I don't lose motivation between work and the gym (this is something I have learned to do from experience...) I hurry to change and sneak out the back door to the parking lot to make sure no one stops me in the hall because they "need something." Safe!

As I'm driving away and to the gym, I have a weird sense of accomplishment. There is just something about not being at work when you "are supposed to be" and when everyone else is working that just feels glorious! Throughout my whole run I just kept thinking, this is so great - I'd be sitting at my desk and here I am, running.

It's not like I did anything fun or special. It was just a much needed, yet little, break from the regular tasks that can begin to haunt a schedule. Once in a while we all need little breaks like that and this one couldn't have come at a better time.

I ran three miles and still got done over an hour before would have actually been outta work. I was home, showered and relaxing on the couch when I would have just been locking my office door. My puzzle has come a long way. It's a slow process starting as OCD can get in the way of enjoying puzzles, but once you get moving, my organizational skills make it much easier and faster. Then off to a great night of eating at Olive Garden and bowling with friends.

Low key and relaxing - couldn't have asked for better.

Prayer for Grandpa

All That's Left

I’m so torn
How long can this go
As each minute passes
This anxiety grows

It’s out of our control
This I understand
All we can do is trust
And put it in God’s hand

So here we sit
With nothing to do
While this stress continues
And we worry for you

The only thing left
For us to try
Is keep on praying
In Him I lie

All my hopes
All my fears
Only Jesus can count
All my tears

He’s here with you
He’s here with me
And with no more suffering
I pray you’ll be

I got it back!

After a while struggling to write, I got it back...at least for tonight, here's my second one of the night:

Little Things

I like quiet
I like noise
I like to hang out
And be one of the boys

I like sunshine and flowers
The fresh smell of rain
And looking out the window
Up high in a plane

Popsicles and Kool-aid
On a hot summer day
Looking up at night
Seeing the Milky Way

The sweet taste of watermelon
Fresh on my tongue
Letting go of stress
And enjoy being young

To laugh out loud until
My stomach hurts
And with no regret
Have a second dessert

The beautiful colors
That come in the fall
Being with friends and
Playing football

Little things in life
Are what make me
Happy and joyous
And full of glee

Each day that comes
There is good to see
But seeing that good
Is up to me