Taken

I try so hard
To make life work
But when I’m in charge
I end up hurt

So here I am, Lord
Come be with me
I hand my life over
And let it be

Take my life
It’s all Yours
Use me, use me
What You need me for

Make my will Yours
My purpose will come
With You in control
I then can succumb

To what You want
My life to be
When I live for You
I’m able to see

There’s more to life
Than work and play
I want to live for You
So let me say

Take my life
It’s all Yours
Use me, use me
What You need me for

You don’t take away
All the hurt and pain
But when You’re by my side
My soul You sustain

Lord, You fill the void
And make me whole
All the sadness I have
You will console

My world is better
When You come here
With my full trust in You
The fear disappears

So, take my life
It’s all Yours
Use me, use me
What You need me for


E. Crabtree

To A Fault

I like to think
I’m on my own
Everything I do
I can do alone

Not in need of someone
To always be with me
I do my own thing
And enjoy being free

As I wish
I come and go
Into my independence
I continue to grow

But as days pass by
Some hours get long
I start to doubt
That I am that strong

It would be nice
To have someone there
Laughs and memories
Together we’d share

I find myself
A little less willing
To be vulnerable
And risk everything

It’d open the chance
For me to get hurt
So it’s often easier
To just divert

My thoughts and fears
To the back of my head
And through life
I’ll continue to tread

One day at a time
On my own
I know I won’t
Always be alone

Eventually there will be one
That will come my way
But until then
I’ll just live for today

I do not want
To need them here
But not having someone
Is what I fear

E. Crabtree

Monkey See Monkey Do

This last weekend I had an amazing trip to Kansas to see my cousin and family. We had a lot of late nights, good food, and plenty of fun. Too much to write about so here are the best candid pics of the weekend:

Works in progress....

Birthday party games and food...

And most importantly - daddy giving some modeling tips to lil miss M...

...priceless

Signs of Summer

The sun is shining and we can actually feel the heat from the rays. Driving to and from work I open up my sun roof and let the fresh air fill my car. Capris and summer tops are becoming my work outfits instead of pants and sweaters.

More importantly, I can now utilize my year round addiction without freezing to death while I do it. What would this addiction be you ask? POPSICLES!!!! I'm pretty sure I just ate 4 in less than a half hour. They are so yummy. It's a good thing I bought a new box today while grocery shopping even though I wasn't completely out. Now that's something you don't want to go without...even just for a day.

Today, I also bought a watermelon. Haven't cut it up yet, but just looking at it sit on my floor all green and round makes my mouth start to water, just imagining how delicious it will taste.

Then, tonight after I fried up some steak, my apartment had that nice...well steak smell. While it's a good smell for a steak house, not for my one bedroom apartment. But when I opened up my window and turned on my fans, the wonderful scent of a nice spring rain begin to fill the room.

I love summer. I love spring. I enjoy seeing the newness of life through the buds on the trees and the tiny little critters (referring to the cute mammals...not insects and creepy crawlies) scamper in the grass. The bright colors burst into the horizon. I like having daylight when I go to work in the morning and when I leave the gym at night. I like spending a few hours outside and having my cheeks and shoulders become rosey in color. I love life.

Hardest Thing

I've done some hard things and made some hard decisions in my life; such as majors, what college to go to, grad school, PhD programs, jobs, relationships, etc. We all know that life isn't easy and we all encounter things that may be easier to ignore rather than confront - however...that's not what life is about. How we face those challenges can say a lot about our personality, values and integrity.

Yesterday I think I may have faced the hardest thing I've had to do, at this point in my life. To some/many of you reading this, it may not sound like something that important or difficult - but it was for me. I competed in the Siouxperman Triathlon in Sioux Center, Iowa.

Sure I had trained for it, for about a month or two. In that month or two, I was also diagnosed with exertional asthma, commonly known as athlete's asthma. Swimming has always been my forte so that was not a concern, however - the biking and running were far from an interest of mine. In the past couple months I have tried to build up my endurance with both my legs and lungs.

Without knowing what to expect, and never competing in any kind of race at all (other than a mile run in the 7th grade), my friend Matty and I made the drive to Iowa, mom and dad following with the bikes in tow.

The first leg was interesting - an indoor swim with a snake pattern weaving through the pool for a full 6 laps. Not difficult - but not the same thing as training in a pool with one or two other swimmers with calm water - that's for sure.

Leg two - the bike. It was horrible. Windy and HILLY. In South Dakota it's flat with an occasional hill. Northwest Iowa is a little different with constant rolling hills. Also, many of you who have been to Iowa, will know that Iowa isn't related to the most enticing smell around. Since the 25K bike ride took us out of town, we were constantly surrounded by the smell of hog farms and feed lots. As I was riding, the cool wind and air increased the pain in my lungs, which left me clenching my inhaler for the duration of the ride. Everyone was very supportive - encouraging me and saying "Keep it up 26," "It's tough on a mountain (referring to my mountain bike), you're doing great," and my favorite, "Good job 10-speed, keep it up."

Once I got to the run my lungs and throat were burning each attempt to inhale. I gasped for air with raspy attempts. My dad was a trooper and walked for first bit with me to keep my morale up and ease my anxiety for about the first mile as mom was in charge of the camera trying to keep track of Matty and myself. Once I could breathe a little more decent, I picked it up to a jog then a slow run.

I finished this sucker. Mission accomplished. Does that mean I can now be considered a Triathlete?

(Matty and I after we both finished the race)

Now what was the hardest thing about this? Yes the physical endurance portion of it sucked. My body continued to scream at me and tell me to stop...or was it my mind? My body hurt and my muscles ached but my mind doubted. Each time I started to think I can't, I stopped myself and would switch it around and say out loud, "I CAN do it." Trying to pedal up some of those hills way down in first gear, when I knew I could get off my bike and walk it faster, I KNEW I had to keep on pedaling, one foot at a time. During the run, I KNEW I could continue, one breath and one step at a time.

While this is definitely a test a physical endurance, it's more of a test of mental endurance. I know my limits, but I will continue to train to better my limits and myself. My biggest challenge was knowing I can do it.

I went in knowing I wouldn't win. I went in being OK with the fact that I may have to walk. My goals were to not stop and to finish. And I did both of those. My breathing is out of my hands. I will continue to work with my doctor to get a handle on that. But more importantly, I will continue to try. There are more triathlons coming up this summer and Matty and I are already talking about the next one and how to train for it....

It's Tomorrow...

The nerve, the angst
It all starts to rumble
As it gets closer, I pray
I don't have trouble

I put in my time
I've done what I can
Once the day comes
It's out of my hands

I'll do my best
To hold a pace
To fight the fight
And finish the race

My body will hurt
My mind will doubt
But that is not
What it's all about

My muscles know
What to do
I have faith I'll
Make it through

Pushing myself
To all I can be
All the possibilities
Now I can see

Just Don't Get It

So here I sit. I was going to write some wonderful things. Ok, not really. I did have plans to blog - however, I couldn't think of anything. Instead, here I sit. I look at my computer, then at the time. I'm shocked and horrified that I'm this tired and it's only 8. It feels like 10 or 11...not 8. I'm such an old lady. But my eyes get so heavy and it feels so good to close them.

I've been working out quite a bit lately. What I find odd...you think it'd get easier. It's been one solid month now that I've worked out every day after work, the mornings before work at least 2 days a week and some weekends. I've become one of "those" that spends hours at the gym a day.

What's become of it? You'd think it'd get easier and at some point I'd get home from the gym and wouldn't be exhausted, I'd be energized and feel good. Nope that hasn't happened. Not one day. I still get home dead tired wishing it was time for bed, wishing my bag was packed for tomorrow and my lunch was already made - but it never is. Does it mean I'm not getting anymore in shape - or does it mean that I just work out harder? I have no idea.

It's a good feeling to be exhausted from working out - but it'd be kinda nice to have energy to make dinner and be productive after working out too. Oh well, working out is fun...so we'll see where it takes me...