A Little Lost

Nothing else seems to fully ignite the spark of loneliness like the death of a loved one.  Yes, there are scattered moments throughout one's week, month or year where loneliness may present; you know, those times where "it'd just be nice" to have someone to share an experience or to just BE with.  Those moments to me, thankfully, are typically rare and fleeting.  but then life happens.  Every moment we live we are one moment closer to death.  that may sound morbid, but it's true and we all know it.  And as depressing as it may be, I've accepted that with an open mind, heart and outstretched arms ----- for myself.  I am ready for the day my time in this world is up; where I can re-unite with my Savior, Redeemer and Father.  I am excited for the moment to come, when I will spend eternity with Jesus Christ and I can forever show Him my appreciation for being my sacrifice.
So why is it that I'm so torn and so NOT excited for my loved ones.  When really challenged, the faithful spirit inside of me is - but even then it's battling with my physical being that is sorrow stricken with loss, grief, doubt and abandonment.  I can be in a room with one person, or with multitudes of people and feel completely alone.  While I care and love the people I'm with - especially the brothers and sisters in Christ that I have been blessed with, my heart aches.  These people will never KNOW me how THEY knew me.  They can never LOVE me how THEY loved me.  Every person in our lives knows, loves, supports, understands and accepts us in THEIR unique way and because of that I'm left haunted with a depth of loneliness that aches to my core.
I am so very lucky to have experienced the love, embrace, friendship and pride of people gone before me.  I am eternally grateful for that.  What hurts is THAT love, embrace, friendship and pride will never be experienced again.  It's a memory that no one can replace.
I can take a sigh of relief knowing that these loved ones will no longer experience pain, sadness, cold, or sickness.  I hope and pray that I really will be united with them again in Heaven. I want them to see the love I still have for them and the passion that burns in my soul.  I want to make them proud of the person I am, and am yet to become.  I yearn for the knowledge and validation that I am who they prayed I would become as a young woman.
Relationships are a tough thing.  Always, no matter the way, they always end prematurely. We're never ready for it and we're always left with a void that is irreplaceable.
I know that God is with me and because of that I'm never alone.  That does give me peace - - but it doesn't mean that I don't long for one more talk, hug, or "I love you" from a loved one passed on.
I am so grateful for the time I had with my maternal grandparents, my paternal grandfather, my uncle and many dear friends.  I look back and appreciate the individual closeness I was able to share with each.  I just wish I could accept, understand and move on from the giant hole that each one leaves.  I do rejoice for the ones who had accepted the Lord.  Yet, I also worry and pray for those whom I'm uncertain of.  Only God knows.  He also knows the pain I'm feeling.  We aren't promised days without pain, hurt or tears.  We are promised a salvation from that.  So, I'm not mad at God.  I just wait for the day that these earthly holes can be filled.  We aren't meant to be alone.  Losing someone can scare us from getting close to others.  It does for me.  But I find joy that even with holes in my heart and ongoing love for others - there is always room for more of both.  I am able to fully recognize the eternal blessing I've been given of family, friends and mentors with those I've had, those I still have and those that are yet to come.

Hello, my friends!

Man, it has been WAY too long and I can't believe how much I've neglected you.  You deserved better.  we've spent many hours and miles together in the past - so it's about time we reconnect...

I don't know if I've actually even been rollerblading since before my deployment.  When I lived in Olivia Farms back in Kansas I know I did at least a few times - but that's been well over a year ago - how sad!  Back in Lennox, I couldn't even guess how many miles I've put on these wheels - the best investment I ever made.  Thank you, once again, Scheels!  They hold up well and get my butt in gear (literally).  It was so sunny and nice today and I couldn't stand not being out and about.  However, my shins have been in a lot of pain, so I didn't want to put more strain on them by running.  I had no idea how rollerblading would feel on them, and there was only one way to find out!

It was amazing!  1) I didn't fall 2) Perfect way to explore the development and neighborhoods while working out and 3) A good downhill coast will build up just enough wind to cool you off

There are a lot of roads and streets I haven't been on in my development so I thought this would be a good way to investigate.  Of course all the dead ends that I discovered were also at the bottom of a hill...which meant a strenuous uphill roll - but hey, I wanted a workout too...so I guess it was just what I asked for (just not at the moment).  Also, they didn't hurt my shins while out rolling around.  I feel the pain now - but I did before rollerblading, so this may be my #1 way to keep up my lower body fitness, especially while running isn't an option.  It's always good to reconnect, particularly with a healthy past.  Here's to being healthy in the sun - cheers!

Eenie Meenie Minie Mo

You know it's a good day when the toughest decision of the day is what suit to wear.  And no, I don't mean a dress suit.  Thank goodness I don't have to wear that...my camo is just fine.  Yes, I mean swim suit.  I used to live in these and putting them on almost feels like a second skin.  I just love the smell of the chlorine that the fabric holds - it takes me back.
One of the biggest perks I've found here at Ft. Bragg is the pool hours.  It was nearly impossible to get to the pool even semi-regularly when I was at Ft. Riley.  The hours here are much more manageable - including weekends and holidays, it's amazing! 
Before leaving for Ft. Polk, I officially became a certified lifeguard (AGAIN).  I'm not really sure why, but I always regretted letting my certification lapse, so I took advantage of the opportunity.  Now I should get out of the Army and go be a full-time, lifer lifeguard on the beaches of San Diego.  Oh man, tan and sun-bleach blonde year round... : )
Since returning from JRTC, I've been working out a schedule of when I can regularly get my swim on.  Something that's helping spark the motivation (to drive to post on weekends - ugh, or to get up at 0430 - double ugh) is there is a fun swim challenge post is putting on.  You have to swim the distance of the North Carolina section of the Appalachian Trail by June 2nd.  That's 3,438 laps, or 95.5 miles!  That's right, I'm putting it on here so I'm declaring to the world that I'm doing it.  The challenge started in January and then I couldn't get to post with the recent snow "storms" so I'm a little behind the curve, however, with the amount of laps I got in since getting home, I need to do 30 laps a day (just under a mile) to complete it by the June deadline.  Part of me is worried about it, but if I swim a minimum of a mile at a time, I'll have some laps to spare for when I'm not able to make it to the pool.
Even when I'm so tired and don't want to go, it's been great.  One of the awesome bonuses of the pool here is right in the hallway by the door is a sauna.  I haven't really indulged myself in the use of saunas before - but man oh man it's glorious.  Here are the benefits I've found to use the sauna after swimming:
1. Because I'm already wet from swimming, no one can see how sweaty I got when I walk back to the locker room
2. It allows some time for my goggle rings/bruises to somewhat disappear
3. It's a faux nap.  I love the heat and warmth.  It's a great way to catch my breath, rest and relax.  I could fall asleep in there (although I won't) but I like to think of it as a nap before going to work in the morning or having to take on the half hour drive back home.
4. And it's always nice to talk to a nice looking man that may be getting his sweat on too ; )

Well, I have this challenge to complete so that's motivating, but I'm also announcing it the world - so now I HAVE to be held accountable!  I already swam today, but I'm gonna pack soon for tomorrow morning.  Gotta get my swim on!

Travels

One of the places I made sure we traveled through on my way to Ft. Bragg was the Smoky Mountains.  It was the perfect time of the year with beautiful fall colors, if I had come through one more week, it wouldn't have been near the same - still be beautiful, but different.  Thankfully, two hours from here I can start to get into the mountains and I definitely plan to check them out in my time here.  With all the snow (while I'm sure it would have been pretty) I decided to stick close to home this weekend.  Originally, I wanted to explore and go hiking, but the snow, ice and rain made everything a wet and mushy mess.  I'll wait a couple more weeks when things have dried out and maybe there'll be some green buds on the trees.  I was blessed and honored to have my mother make the drive with me.  We had a lot of fun and laughs.  The only downside was we just missed seeing some real live bears in the mountains.  Two things I need to see while I'm a North Carolinan (?) is an alligator and a bear, both in their natural habitat :) I'll keep trying...
The pictures don't do the sights justice, but it's the best I can do.

Every view was so stunning and beautiful.  It's crazy that God is so stinking talented and creative.  No man could ever come up with all this.  It was a great opportunity to test out my fancy camera with some nature shots.

I never stop trying to move mountains, thanks mom and dad for telling me I can do anything I put my mind to : )

Pretending to be "REAL" Army

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I was away at training for the month of January.  For the most part...the training was pretty miserable.  They tried to make it as "real" as an actual deployment as possible, but on acid...we had a lot of mass casualty (notional) situations and every night (at 11, 2 and 4) we had the joy of  having incoming (notional) - but because it was training, we had to go report of accountability each time.  1. We were in Louisiana (never had that on my bucket list) 2. It SNOWED in Louisiana 3. We got little sleep because of the "notional" exercises and incoming and 4. I have never heard NOTIONAL used so much in my life and I'd be content if I never heard it again!  However, once the training ended, we were able to leave the mock deployment setting and explore some parts of Ft. Polk - which led us to a delicious "gut truck" that made and sold classic, southern BBQ - OH MAN - after a month of field chow and MRE's...it was glorious.  It would have been good anyway, but mm mm good! 
I am still getting settled here in North Carolina and hadn't really met anyone in my unit, so as much as JRTC sucked, it was a nice opportunity to meet my unit and other key leaders I'll be working with frequently.  Sadly, I did stay kind of busy on the behavioral health front - not a lot of patients, but a few patients that were pretty intense.  I'm glad I was there to help, but it's never great to have to do my job either - at least with these situations and circumstances.  Also, being a medical provider, I frequently claim that I'm not "real" Army, and I stand by that.  But at least now I can say that I've been to a legit field exercise.  It's nice to be able to see the real soldiers doing what they do and getting to finally train and practice in their actual job.

Being such a newbie - this was the first time I've ever used NVG's' (night vision goggles).  First, I had to be taught how to use them...good thing I have no shame and freely ask for help : )
The right is a picture a friend took of me through her NVG's and above is a picture of a fraction of the 1,000+ parachutes/paratroopers that jumped into JRTC.  It was a pretty awesome sight...for the first pass...then we waited for another 2 hours...

Me on a "convoy" to another base/FOB

SNOW in LA...the locals kept telling us it was the first time in about 10 years. 
SO HAPPY we could be part of it...NOT

Really, Soldiers, Really?  You honestly need directions on how to brush your teeth...which include putting your toothbrush away?  Man...no wonder I have patients ;)

First time flying in a Chinook, which was pretty awesome!

Because of additional snow and ice, the day long bus ride home actually turned into a 3+ day bus ride back to Ft. Bragg.  We found a haven in a Naval Air Station in Mississippi.  You'd never guess that this dining facility would be for Seamen and Marines with all these soldiers in there.

Then, after we found out that we'd be staying the night at the Naval station because of the continued terrible road conditions and weather, we were put into some office building, given cots and told to find a spot.  We had about 14 people/cots in this small office.  It smelled funkier than funky with all those bodies and stinky boots - thank goodness for Monkey Butt and baby powder!  Lots of laughs and snoring though!

On the (official) last stretch of our bus ride, but still about 8 hours to go, we had to make our own fun, including floating heads and gummi bears and music and books.  I never thought I'd be so happy to be at Ft. Bragg!

Another Snow Day

So who would have thought I would have gone to the beach with my parents over Christmas when they were here to visit, but I'd have two snow days off work in February.  Pretty sure, when I moved in, they said that "spring" is by march and everything is green for sure by April...at this point...I'm pretty doubtful.
My time here has been rather uneventful...which is good - but I was also gone for a whole month while I was away at training (to Ft. Polk, LA...).  I returned the beginning of this month, just in time to come down with a crazy bad bug/cold and then for this snow storm.  It's easy to complain about the cold, wintery weather, but in reality - I kind of enjoy it.  While it's incredibly humorous with what is needed for a snow day (pretty much flurries in the forecast), I've actually missed some of those pretty white flakes.  It's fair to say, I've now had my fill.  Too bad I didn't get my white Christmas...but I still got a white winter...both at Ft. Polk and here - who would have thought???
So here is Christmas with my parents:

 And here are a couple pics from yesterday...just a little different from a month ago - who would have thought.  It seems a little backwards to me, but hey, I guess this is Southern Living...

Either way, I was very happy and blessed to have my parents here with me from Christmas to New Years day.  It was fantastic to be able to show them my new home, where I work and to be able to celebrate the holidays with them.  If I can't be home, this was the next best thing.  After all, this is my new home, at least for a while. 
The snow was a pleasant and beautiful sight, but I'm ready for the warmer, sunny weather so I can return to the beach - but this time to get my tan on : )
Love and missing you all from the cold and snowy North Carolina!

New Home

So I've abandoned my blog for a LONG time and I apologize...I have many posts that I plan to still post...maybe this will get me back on track.  Since my last post, I've returned to America, lived in Kansas for a bit and now call "home" North Carolina.  Here's a quick snip-it of my new home from today: