Now You See It...Now You Don't

So yesterday I went in to have my Holter Monitor installed for step one of my testing...as my Dr. told me, do everything I want to be able to do except swim (well duh, I don't really want to jump into water with something electrical hooked up to my heart). The doing everything includes running, biking, going up the stairs all day at work, any anything else on a regular basis when I feel my symptoms...so I did. Today, I'm slightly sore and super tired, but that may be impacted by not being able to sleep last night...

Anyway, work was the challenge with this monitor. No, I take that back...dressing for work was the challenge. They don't take stature into consideration when issuing these things. The cords could reach from me all the way to Timbuktu! So, I settled for a basic tee. I loved it actually, but not as "work casual" as I should be. Good thing my boss didn't see me =) Hey what else what I supposed to do when it went clear up to my collar bone? What a relief it was to take it off this morning! Hopefully I'll hear something by the end of the week...

Relief

So some of you may know and some may not about my recent studies and tests. Way back in March I was running with one of my closest friends and trying to prepare of the mini-triathlon in May - which I did write about in my posting of Hardest Thing, however the trials didn't end there. With the triathlon not going well (to put it as optimistically as I can), I wanted to treat the asthma more aggressively.

I spoke to a few people at work and decided to go a a highly recommended asthma doctor here in town. After all the tests, he looked at me with a concerned look and said, "There's definitely something wrong, but it's definitely not asthma." He wanted me to go to see an ENT doctor because my "throat was a little red" and have a cardiac echo done. First was the ENT, who did a scope down my nose, down my throat to look at my vocal cords. Most of they time they use Lidocaine to numb and for a pain reliever, but because I'm allergic to Novocaine, he said "we just won't use it." WHAT??? Well, stupid me, thinking that the Dr. knew what he was talking about, I figured it would be ok without. I asked, "Does it hurt?" His response, "Well it's not a procedure I'd ask my doctor to do, but everyone tells me it's not as bad as they thought it'd be." I pulled up my big girl panties and pretended to be tough. I couldn't pretend for long. You know when you bump your nose and your eyes immediately water??? Well, mine were pouring tears faster than Niagara Falls...which continued up to a half hour after I left the doctors office. As many of you know...my nose was broken when I was a wee lil thing...leaving it crooked. Try to put a scope down a crooked nose - no I take that back, DON'T! Instead of realizing it wouldn't go down one nostril, he tried to push a lil harder....oh my gosh, I thought I had experienced pain before...ah, no, this is real pain: jamming a lil metal flashlight camera thing directly into the already sensitive cartilage of your nose. "Ooops won't go down that one, let's put it down the other one again," was his only response...not a sorry, nothing. So, the third time he stuck that scope in my nose, he finally used it. Afterwards he asks me "So was it as bad as you thought it'd be?" (With tears still running down my face mind you) All I could muster our was a very agitated and annoyed "...Yah." Then he tells me he THINKS I MAY have vocal cord dysfunction and the only way to fix it is speech therapy, but that doesn't cause chest pain. He wanted to schedule me for therapy. No thanks, Mr. I Now Despise You.

Next, I was hopefully that my cardiac echo would show something fixable, so I could treat it with whatever, then move on with my life and be as active as I hope to be. Heck, I had a June triathlon to compete in. After chest x-rays, blood draw and an hour + ultra sound, nothing. Zilch. Dr. Bubak, not satisfied with the results wanted me to see a cardiologist and probably have a stress test since most of my pain and symptoms come upon exertion. So...back to another doctor's office. He was correct and a stress test was ordered. Early this month I went in for the test, did the walk/jog and they hurried me back to the bed for another echo. Even though I had shortness of breath and chest pain, the results showed nothing. My heart and circulation was doing everything it needed to and my oxygen levels were perfect. Nothing concerning, but the only thing "interesting," as Dr. Paa put it, was my heart rate was very high. He wanted to give me a med. A med...without knowing what was causing it. I'm too young to be on mediation that will not fix the problem and just coat the symptom. However, figuring that he must know, he wanted me to try it for a month and we'd go from there. Two weeks after being on the med, I was a total sloth: sleeping during my breaks at work, taking at least a 2 hour nap and going to bed at about 8:30 or 9. I couldn't take it. I called the doctor and said I don't want the meds and I want more testing. The response I got? They've done all the testing they can and this is the only option for medication, so just reduce the medication by taking it once a day instead of twice. This answer did not satisfy me. (I forgot to take a picture of all the contraptions in the room where I did the stress test...sorry).

This week I called my regular primary doctor and said, "I want to be seen as soon as possible, I need future testing!" They got me in in three days. Friday was my appointment and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He heard me. A doctor that finally heard me. He told me to stop the medication (Hip, Hip, Hooray). He told me we'd do more testing and that we'd test until we have a solid diagnosis (Yoo Hoo). He told me that I'm too young to be on medications without knowing why...and I'm in too good of shape to be having these problems without real reasons behind them. While I don't have any answers to this problem, I have faith that I finally have someone that is willing to take a deep look and find the cause.

So while I'm still in this limbo, I feel better. He told me to go ahead and try to train for the September Tri, like I'd like to. It will help with the testing to make sure I know what and when my symptoms are triggered - at least for now. But he also is concerned and wants me to take it easy. I'll do my best to heed those words...

Days Go By

So my poor little blog has been ignored and forgotten for about a month. It's not that life hasn't been active, exciting or interesting...A lot of it I just didn't know how to say it and/or time flew way to fast for me to sit down and type about it. So here I am. 8 o'clock on a Saturday morning...ugh. I'm watching my parents dog this weekend and the lovely yet stupid (just for now) dog has her schedule of waking up...which means I wake up then too. I stayed up too late to get up this early. Not a whole lot more to do on a Saturday morning, might as well catch up.

So where do I begin???? The Fourth of July had a lot of family, food, friends and fireworks...as one would expect. Lennox always has a grand celebration with the "Old Fashioned Forth of July" including a road race, parade, vendors and a car show in the park and fireworks to end the night. It may have been a high school reunion since I was able to reunite with many people I hadn't seen in so long. 7 days later was Hot Harley Nights in downtown Sioux Falls which is always a good time. Hard to believe that I went with three crazy guys and we were having so much fun we forgot to even look at the bikes....but the band was great.

The following weeks consisted of going to the lake every day after work that I could. We had a "cold" snap recently so my trips have been put on hold, but I'm excited to get back there and work on my killer tan =)

Today I'm meeting some friends for a relaxing day at Wild Water West so I'm praying for sun and heat. I suppose I better clean before I head out....I'll try to be better about this in the future.

Get-A-Way

What's your sanctuary? You know, the place that you go when you've had enough of the world surrounding you. The place where you feel ultimate comfort and an escape from reality.

With the pressures of the world getting heavier this past week, that's what I needed this weekend. I needed to find my sanctuary. Actually, I know where mine is...I was there last weekend with many people that I love. (That post can come later when I get some of the pics developed). With Bob's cabin on the Niobrara being 4-5 hours away, I needed to find something closer. Honestly, I thought about driving there, time on the road can be therapeutic...or harmful, so I opted to stay close-ish to home.

Yesterday morning, I did my good deed for the day. The local Salute to the Troops committee was having a fundraiser 1 mile and 5K walk/run. With my pending medical issues, I wasn't able to run, but the walk was a blast. I met up with a couple fellow co-workers and enjoyed being outside on the bike trail with some good conversation. It was also satisfying to know that we were supporting our troops and helping a good cause. Next year at this time we will be able to see the effects with the big Welcome Home event by Salute to the Troops.

The morning walk was over...This is when living alone can be the most wonderful thing. I needed alone time. I needed quiet time. I needed to just be with my thoughts. I needed to hide my thoughts. I did exactly that.

This was my view for a while yesterday. Laying in my comfy bed feeling the nice breeze come through the window and listening to the birds sing and cars drive by. There is something relaxing about hearing the hustle and bustle of cars on their way to something or somewhere, and me having no agenda for the day. In my bed, I can let go of worries and concerns and just be content. I can cry out of anger and sadness with no one asking why. The fresh air from the window and the coziness of my blankets and pillows comfort me as I lay back and let time pass.

As the breeze got warmer, I knew it was going to be a beautiful day. I got up, put my suit on, grabbed my jumbo beach towel, hopped in my car and drove. Windows down, sun roof open and radio up. I drove until I wanted to stop. Where did I stop? A lake. A place where no one knows me and I can just lay out and be in the sun. Hope into the water when it gets hot, read my book, listen to the wind and the water, eat some fresh raspberries and be me. There is something about being outside, alone and the sounds of water that can melt away anything and grant peace to a restless soul.

Getting home I had quite the redness on my back and behind my knees...nothing a little aloe can't fix. Even being sunburned makes me happy - because I know that I had a restful day outside. Yes, reality will come knocking on my door, but we all need some time away to strengthen us and prepare us for that fight. And now I'm prepared.

Time & Trial

It’s funny how in life
I can be so sure
But then something unexpected
Always seems to occur

I go about my day
As I think I should
But when all is over
Did I do all I could

Life can be short
Or it can be long
And we waste so much time
Trying to belong

That’s not what’s important
It’s not what we need
We need to slow down
And let go of the greed

Throw out the money
Throw out the toys
Let go of the stress
Quiet the noise

We think we can control
Everything around
But it’s with this thinking
That we’re disaster bound

Trying to make life
What we want it to be
Through all the clouds
The sun we can’t see

Each struggle we survive
And trial we go through
Makes us more unique
And independent too

Life’s not made to be easy
It’s not a walk in the park
But there’s a lot more sunshine
Just quit looking for the dark

There is always good
And there is always bad
But I’m learning to be thankful
For what I’ve already had

Don’t live in the past
For the future is near
Treasure the present
Because that’s what’s here

E. Crabtree

So What's Next...

I'm sure many of you heard on the radio, news or by reading it in the newspaper about the tragedy that has hit our world. Myself, now I'm just in a weird awe. If you haven't heard, I'm sorry that I'm the bearer of bad news...

Michael Jackson is dead. Paramedics were called to his home where he was found unresponsive and believed to have had a cardiac arrest. Resuscitation was attempted but with no success. The came just days before "The Kings" plan to make his comeback tour opener in London - July 13th. Since the news came out, radio stations and MTV (possibly other channels) have been playing his music and videos non-stop as a tribute to the most renowned artist of our time.

Ok, so maybe the world isn't touched by this - but I'm shocked. Something many of you may not know...I do have an obsession with the freakishly odd looking artist. First off, PERSONAL LIFE ASIDE. I'm not one to say whether those accusations are right or not...if they are correct - that's terrible and NOT acceptable. With that out of the way - who has EVER been able to sing, write, dance and perform that well??? In my opinion, no one - not even close. You have the ones who can re-enact pretty well, like Justin Timberlake, who has picked up some of his moves pretty well, but he's not Michael. Others attempt but fall short, and that's putting it generously.

Hours were spent in my freshman year dorm room watching Michael Jackson's Number 1 DVD. Often with the lights off and a bowl of freshly popped popcorn and possibly with the only friend who will feel this sadness as much as I do, Danielle. With the door shut, we'd whip out our attempts of the hottest dance moves ever done by man. We'd sing it loud and proud. My poor roommate...and what she had to go through by living with me =) Love ya Jess!

When you think of Michael, there are so many amazing songs that come to mind, it's hard to even just name one, because there are so many great ones circling in my brain. Some of the goodies: Free Willy Theme Song, Black or White, Thriller, the Earth Song, The Way You Make Me Feel, Bad, Beat it, Man in the Mirror....and the list just goes on and on and on....And that's just to mention him as an individual artist, don't forget about the Jackson Five singing Rockin Robin and ABC, 123 and oh so many more.

It will be interesting to see how our performer's legend will live on through current and future artists. I can see his songs and dances being utilized and re-enacted by high school dance teams, half time performers and the thousands of musical artists on stage. Let him live on in the way he reached out to the world.

It's not a secret that his childhood was questionable and we can't deny that would impact someone farther into life. His surgeries and alienesk appearance were more than odd. His behaviors and clothing were not typical of what is expected. But he created ways to channel his thoughts and mood into a way that could reach out to all - entertainment. I pray that his hurt soul is now at rest and also pray for his friends and family in this tough time. He definitely will be missed.

Taken

I try so hard
To make life work
But when I’m in charge
I end up hurt

So here I am, Lord
Come be with me
I hand my life over
And let it be

Take my life
It’s all Yours
Use me, use me
What You need me for

Make my will Yours
My purpose will come
With You in control
I then can succumb

To what You want
My life to be
When I live for You
I’m able to see

There’s more to life
Than work and play
I want to live for You
So let me say

Take my life
It’s all Yours
Use me, use me
What You need me for

You don’t take away
All the hurt and pain
But when You’re by my side
My soul You sustain

Lord, You fill the void
And make me whole
All the sadness I have
You will console

My world is better
When You come here
With my full trust in You
The fear disappears

So, take my life
It’s all Yours
Use me, use me
What You need me for


E. Crabtree